TRIGGERS

Triggers. What are they? We all have them, and we all feel "triggered" at some point in our lives. What we do with that is ultimately up to us. I find I am faced with triggers every day and that sometimes they present themselves to me in strange and unusual ways. The University of Miami gives me the perfect definition to include in this post.

"Triggers are external events or circumstances that may produce very uncomfortable emotional or psychiatric symptoms, such as anxiety, panic, despair, or negative self-talk. Any stimulus such as a smell, sound, or image that consciously or unconsciously reminds you of a traumatic event from your past can "trigger" feelings of severe anxiety and protective behaviors like anger and emotional numbness. The stimulus itself doesn't need to be inherently menacing or disturbing and may only indirectly remind you of an earlier traumatic event. According to the American Psychological Association, triggers are typically more distressing when they are not anticipated." (Triggers and the Psychology behind Them, 2022)

While networking the other day, I stumbled upon one of my biggest triggers: my sister. While I thought that I had purged her from my nervous system and my life through Psilocybin-assisted psychotherapy and a cord-cutting ritual, I find that I have not purged everything. The Facebook post I wrote that day is included below and is a presentation of where I am after two years of therapy. Before the two years of therapy, seeing her name or images would have sent me into debilitating depression, suicidal ideation, and intense feelings of guilt and shame. However, the following is how I found myself.

"I stumbled upon an incredible trigger today without intention, or perhaps it's an intention I've been trying to let go of for the last several years and haven't severed completely.

While my nervous system is suddenly on fire, I remind myself that this energy has no place here. I do not need to hold onto the trauma my sister inflicted upon me. I am allowed to let it go. I am allowed to live my best life without it.

I find that survival mode can be so deeply ingrained into our bodies that the shift from neutral or healthy mode into the ever-cascading turmoil of triggers can sometimes go unnoticed until it's too late to stop the whirlwind of crap.

Yet here I am, in all my glory, calling myself out in regard to holding onto energy, trauma, pain, all the things that made me hide and run from myself when instead I no longer need to.

I have not spoken to her in 3 years, yet an image, a thought, a blip of information is still triggering.

What this shows me is that instead of falling victim to my fears, this is what I still need to work on. Healing from an abusive situation I couldn't escape from in childhood.

I am no longer that child; I am an adult, and I have the choice to heal these wounds and live the life I not only want but the life I truly deserve." (Snapshots and Kaleidoscopes)

I find that I have a sense of clarity I did not have before starting Psilocybin and ketamine-assisted therapy. There is a sense of peace that is deeply hidden and screaming to get out. And I find myself once again drawn to the depths of intense shadow work, the deep introspection that can only come when faced with challenges we forgot we had or perhaps didn't forget but didn't want to face or admit we had.

I keep trying to tell myself that I am "healed" and that I am not still drowning in that intense whirlpool of shit that I found myself living in for the last forty or so years. While I'm not drowning, I still, at times, struggle to swim, to breathe, and to understand that I am, in truth, powerful, that I am in charge of my own life and my own choices, and that the outcomes indeed come from within.

I have had to take ownership of my healing journey and stop blaming others for not doing it. Healing is complex, it's even harder within a society that breeds trauma and allows it to leech into every crack and cranny, but it is possible.

Even a year ago, seeing her name, her face would have me disheveled and screaming, "Why doesn't she love me?" She can't love me because she doesn't know how. She has never learned to love herself, and perhaps she never will. That is no longer my problem, nor is it my responsibility to worry about, and only with the clarity from therapy have I gained that knowledge and allowed myself to stop people pleasing, to stop worrying about what others think, and to finally let myself be free to be who I want to be.

Triggers will unfortunately always be a part of life; trauma is unfortunately a part of life, and it's impossible to escape that. However, it is truly up to us how we approach each trigger, each trauma, and each challenging experience. Do we let ourselves spin out of control and drown at the bottom of the ocean, or do we take each punch in stride and rise above it to clarity and peace?

Resources:

Triggers and the Psychology Behind Them. (2022). Miami.edu. https://newsletter.miami.edu/acad-bufin/fsap/2022/mind-and-matter/summer/feature-article.html